July 15, 2012

I turned 30.  I mentioned in the post before how I am not so thrilled about it.
Though not for the reasons you might think.
Most people are sad they are 30 because they may feel old.
I am sad because I realize I've been acting like a 30 year old for way to long.

huh?

I'm aware that when I make statements that start with "most people..." I am being way to general and likely seeing only what I want to see.  But sadly comparison is where these feelings come from so..
.
As a teenager I had a job.  I worked 3 days a week every week.  I even did not go on family vacations and other fun things because I didn't want to take off work.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Because I wanted to be responsible?  Because I wanted to earn money to pay for my college?  Because I didn't want to let my boss down? Because I put being responsible, reasonable and mature above most all else.


As a single college girl and in our newly married life I made similar super responsible decisions.  Always having a job. Working 30 or more hours a week while taking 18 credits at BYU semester after semester.  Even taking classes in the Spring and Summer every year.  Working a full time and part time job and going to school our first year of marriage so that we could support ourselves and I could finish school. Again I had fun sometimes.  But mostly my choices were guided by what I thought was responsible, reasonable, and mature.


Really in the last few years until we moved to California- mostly since Jake went to work for himself, we have in fact made choices based on something other than being responsible.  There have been, although still occasional, splurges and last minute trips.  Maybe in my 28th and 29th year.
A brief two year period of time where I didn't make responsible hard working mostly right decisions.
Unlike "most people" or some people, some young adults and young married people, Jake & I work hard, show up, and save.  And really I like that about us. And the people I generally like and am friends with are this way too.  I think it is part of who we are individually and who we are as a family.  We think it is responsible to buy reasonable cars with cash instead of what we want on a loan.  We think it is responsible to go to church and fulfill your calling and give whatever it takes.  We think it is responsible to not go on vacation unless you have 6months to a year of salary saved.  And so on and so forth.

Over the years as I've seen people choosing to quit jobs because they want to go on vacation, leaving their kids for days and weeks to go on vacation together, buy homes and cars that are certainly a stretch to afford, or generally just doing things for fun.  Small things and big things.
I've thought to myself.
-That is irresponsible, or unreasonable, or immature.

But guess what.  I think I was wrong.  I think they were right.  Right to do something just because they wanted to. To make a choice based on what they want rather than what might be smartest.
And now I'm a bit jealous.
Jealous that I spent my teens and twenties, being responsible, reasonable and mature.
I've been acting like a 30 year old all along.
And now I wish I hadn't.
Because it is going to seem ...well, irresponsible, unreasonable and immature as I act more like a 20 year old.
In fact that is my goal for my 30th year.
To act more like a 20 year old.
To make a decision or two based on only what I want and not what is reasonable.

It is a mini mid life crisis you could say.
Not really.
But really.

My advice to siblings and friends younger than I is always this.  And now I'm going to take my own advice.
Have more fun.  Do what you want.  There is always later to be an adult.
I can't wait to see the extend of my rebellion.
And how attempting to be a kid in some way will conflict with my innate nature to be mature and responsible.
Especially when I have three kids.  Especially when we can't even eat somewhere with much spontaneousness.  Especially when we are saving our money for the kids health needs.
But there will be some moment of irresponsibility.
Watch and wait for it.
It is certainly to make for some good reading if nothing else.